Goldshire Survival Guide

Commentary: This is what the world would see if, back in WoW, our guild would have made a newspaper, and if Theanoril was to write anything for it.

Theanoril's Survival Guide to Goldshire
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So, yeh heard of Goldshire from yer friends and family and figured that all the things they said were a lie, packed your bags and went on a trip, and now you're standin' shin-deep in something that looks like someone's processed lunch? Well, my dear friend, congratulations on the well-picked holiday destination, and welcome to what is rumoured to be the representation of the Twisting Nether on Azeroth.

Mayhaps now is a good time to turn away and run, run, run, until you are out of breath, until you are safe? But 'tis too late, a beggar is now firmly attached to your sleeve, a gnome hanging down your leg, several lasses are smilin' at you in a way most seductive... And several of the local brawlers, with faces twisted from over-indulging of local alcohols are approaching you now, blades drawn and smell of brimstone clearly tickling your nose. Now, what do yeh do, dear friend, what indeed?

Now, if you consider yourself a capable fighter, you may consider taking a moment to punch one of the local drunks in the face a time or two. However, it would do you well to keep in mind these simple truths, should you decide to take the above course of action:

1) Should you indeed defeat your foe in an honourable sparring session, the most likely actions by the opposite party will be nowhere near courteous. You will be accused of numerous sins, called even more numerous names, then likely challenged again, either by the same person, or by his, or her gentle friends.

2) Should you be defeated, prepare to be subjected to boasts of the victor, and most of what'd been described in Case 1.

3) Duelling may be honourable and sportive, however, when performed in the streets of Goldshire, it instantly turns you into one of "them", not to mention that you're going to stain your clothes, one way or another, and while your prowess as a fighter may impress the nearby opposite (or/and similar) gender, the stench of sweat will not. Then again, this -is- Goldshire, and even the strongest stenches of sweat will be considered an improvement.

My advice? Steer clear of conflict in Goldshire, however, should someone be overly annoying to you, always remember that there is no better way for instant gratification and redemption of self-esteem that punching the fool in the face, driving a blade through their liver and walking away, as long as it's done in style.


Now that we've dealt with the rowdy sort, let's move on to the rest of the run-of-the-mill population of Goldshire - the drunks, the beggars, the seductively-smiling lasses and the mysterious group of people that tend to like biting people's necks (many of us like doing it, but we generally await the invitation). Out of the above, the drunks are perhaps the most harmless of the local scene, generally running (walking, crawling, lying in a ditch; pick as desired/necessary) around the tavern and town, occasionally performing ritual sacrifices to Ragnaros by torching themselves in the local tavern's fireplace. Most of the trouble out of them is incessant babbling and yells, and you needn't concern yourself with these.

Now, the beggars may be more annoying. Most of these have spent so long in Goldshire that they have forgotten how to properly speak or address a person of status and decency such as my gentle readers. In fact, at first you may not comprehend what they ask of you, and whether it is indeed you that they are talking to. My advice on the issue of beggars is - why perpetuate them? Should you feel enough pity for them, you may even consider putting them out of their misery.

(Note: Using this article as a means of explaining your motives to the Guard will not work. The author does not accept any responsibility for the readers' compliance or non-compliance to the article)

Having successfully pushed away the beggars, you may now have more time to talk to the lasses. Often they are dressed in revealing clothes, though occasionally you may find one that is either dressed fully or not at all. As with all things in Goldshire, it is best to steer clear of them. If you should want to learn more about reasons behind the advice, follow the future publications of the Goldshire Quarterly and you may learn. However, I will reveal to you one of the reasons as of right now. Y'see, gentle reader, many of the lasses (lads as well, in fact) of Goldshire belong to a secret sect of idiots. They have decided to call themselves "Vampires" and claim to be immortal, blood-feasting creatures. They tend to run up to you and bite your neck til it bleeds then try to lick the blood off, which is indeed disgusting and perpetuates all manners of disease, leprosy for instance. The best way to deal with these is to carry around a handy piece of sharpened wood that you may run through their heart and thus terminate their desire to drink, eat and procreate forever. Why use wood, you may wonder? Simple - you do not want to ruin your blade with -such-.

Now, dear friend, you have learned of the general make-up of Goldshire population. While it is still adviseable to stay the Nether away from it, now you will at least know what strategems to apply.

Stay safe, if that is even possible, and make sure the innkeeper does not dilute spring water with boilt one.


Your faithful guide,

Theanoril Eyrean.